Ready, Set… Ready, Set… Ready?
I feel myself starting to come to life again. Â I enjoy things. Â I go to sleep at night, and I wake up in the morning. Â I don’t take sleeping pills, and I am eliminating caffeine. Â I go to the gym because I want to go. Â I spend time with people because it sounds fun or I miss them, not because it is what I should do. Â I am looking for work again. Â I can see that the job I have will never become a satisfying career, and I am making contacts so I can move on to something else. Â I even have ideas about what that something else might be. Â Most surprisingly, I think I am ready to date. Â And I mean ready to go on real dates, not just go out with someone so I can get his pants off.
I can also see that I keep getting in my own way. Â I don’t want coffee, but I’ll have some because it goes so well with the glazed donut I’m eating to cancel out the killer workout I just finished. Â All of the fantastic friends of friends who are willing to talk to me about my career ambitions keep getting shuffled to tomorrow’s to-do list. Â The friends I want to be better friends with go into the “fun things I can do after I finish everything else” pile. Â And dating has become something I will do when all of my other goals are met. Â The goals I haven’t defined yet.
It is as though I am still in a wintery hibernation mode.  My dreams are of the better things to come.  The things that I will soon let myself experience.  The goals that I will let myself set and meet.  The life that I will let myself feel. Tomorrow.
A friend has interrupted my complacency and inspired me. She has a list of things she wants to do, and she holds herself accountable by publishing the list on her blog and writing about each activity thing as she completes it. I know other people with bucket lists, but my reaction is always that I don’t have that many things I want to accomplish. It’s that same old mental block, telling me again that I should not bother with setting goals.
But I need to set goals. If I have learned anything about myself it is that I need to feel like I am moving forward. My friend’s stories about the things she is doing make me yearn for the same sense of orderly, visible progress. I am going to make my own list. I have already begun it, and I know it will not be very long, but I am going to do it. I may not be a crying pile of mush anymore, but I still spend too much time in my head. I need to spend more time in the world – feeling, doing, being. It is right there, waiting for me to gather up the energy to be a part of it.
I am ready. I am almost set.  And then I will go.
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about 12 years ago
Hi Ladies, I have been following both of your stories. I think you both need to realize that you are beautiful and are both hurt. While Jodi’s hurt is from her marriage, Amy’s hurt is from relationship and self confidence.
I like the stories you have shared but there is a sad common factor here. Most of your writings have to do with things of this world rather than the fact that you are both God’s daughters and that you are very special.
A million dollars or sleeping with a hundered men will still leave you empty. Your 2003 Toyota Corolla is just fine and as long as it gets you from point A to point B safely then that is all you need. I have a 2001 Nissan Altima and I will drive it until it dies! Even if I had a million dollars I could only park by behind in a seat of one car at a time.
Amy I am glad you are open to dating and perhaps this time you will see the inner soul of a man instead of his you know what size! Jodi I hope you will open your eyes and will see how much you have to offer someone. You are so blessed but yet you still linger in your pain from the divorce.
I too am hurt and will continue to hurt for a long time, but as for me I will wait on the Lord for guidance.
Ladies, I pray that you open your eyes and see what is important in this life. King Soloman had over 700 wives and concubines, had all the Gold in the world, and the most wealth but he finally realized that none it made him happy.
If you open your heart perhaps you will allow someone woderful to enter your life and fill the void. I wish you both a great week.
regards,
Inventor
about 12 years ago
I think that writing about the process of dealing with loss, pain, confusion, disappointment, and the like . . . as well as . . . the joy, fun, laughter, and meaning you find is fantastic. I don’t find your desire to improve your situations as rooted in vanity or having shallow meaning.
If you want a more reliable car, don’t feel guilty about it. If you want to process your pain. Process it. Savor it.
It’s good to feel pain. It means you experienced something real. It gives you perspective and comparison. And it’s healthy to seek happiness, comfort, and meaning while dealing with it.
The happiest I’ve ever been has come only after realizing and accepting that pain doesn’t go away. It only accumulates. You cannot stop this. You should not fight it. If your heart aches a little everyday, you recognize and appreciate the beauty and love you see all that much more.
Keep writing girls!
xoxo
about 12 years ago
Actually, I don’t just look at his size. I also appreciate the value of a talented tongue! Sadly, though, the number is nowhere near 100 men. But maybe I should add that to my list….
I have spent time looking at the inner souls of men too, but that has never been a rewarding experience, and for the past couple of years I have wanted life to be simple. It is easy to control your world when it is small. I had to start with the bare minimum and expand my world one external factor at a time so that I would not feel overwhelmed. I think this is to be expected when you are dealing with the emotional fallout from a verbally abusive boss, the end of a 12 year relationship, and the knowledge that you have to find a new career path that accommodates the $100K spent on the wrong degree. I do think my confidence took a tumble in the face of so many decisions that did not turn out the way I thought they would, but I am aware of my value as a human being. I think my bigger issue now might be that I have become too comfortable in my small little world, and I’ve stopped seeing the value in other people. I’m not sure I’m wrong to feel the way I do. If I find happiness in a nutshell, do I need to move beyond it? I’m going to keep pushing myself because that’s the kind of person I am. Maybe opening myself up will lead to more experiences and one of those experiences will make me feel like I have reached a fully developed “self,” but I don’t think I will ever be the kind of person who is content. And, to me, that’s okay, too. Content people have never changed the world.
about 12 years ago
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