Trash.
It has been over a year since my breakup. Many people think my struggles are a result of my divorce. Indirectly, I agree, that they are right.
I know I did not come out of that relationship unscathed. The ultimate freedom I have experienced has been intoxicating and wonderful. I have no regrets, at all, about dissolving that toxic relationship.
On my divorce day I was exhilarated and happy. I finally felt I could breathe. The cancer I had was expensively removed. I was given a clean bill of health.
The legal seal on my divorce decree gave me the only two things I loved and cherished:
My children & my law practice
The rest I didn’t give a damn about.
On this downward slope of my recovery I thought I met someone wonderful. Someone I thought to be amazing. You need to understand that I wasn’t looking for any solutions. He just happened to be on my trek down or walked into my path. I thought him kind. I really enjoyed spending time with him. He appeared safe. I had known him for a long time. He was amazingly smart. He knew the pressures of a law office. He was a comrade in arms.
That we had in common.
It was an entire year before he met my girls. I figured in this wait, this exceedingly intelligent man, would figure his intentions out within a year. He was witty and funny. I loved the sound of his voice.
He said I was everything wonderful and more.
He talked about wanting a family. He was alone. I could provide him one.
In a sick way maybe that was his way of luring me in.
But between you and me by year three I was tired of words. I was tired of hearing about a future. He confessed to me the thought of buying us a home. He told me how we would run our finances (he even wrote this down on a legal yellow sheet of paper).
He was so very rich and smart about all of it.
He talked about taking the girls and I on trips together. So I planned one. We discussed the destination. In his cheapness and procrastination I decided to move us along and pay for it.
A week before it was time to get on that plane he informed me, quite simply, that he had just changed his mind.
Then his confession poured out. This is not something he wanted. This is not something he would enjoy. We were a mistake. Our relationship was a mistake.
My thoughts tumbled out. My innocence was my demise.
I asked him when were all of his words going to become a reality? Why just talk about a future if there isn’t going to be a future? I just simply wanted to know when all this future was going to start.
He couldn’t seem to give me any answers just excuses. He wasn’t attracted to me anymore. We did not have any fun together anymore. We didn’t have those intimate discussions or time alone together.
Just so you know I am not a baby nor a child. I could have handled the truth. I could have handled I only want you as my whore. I only want you when I want. I only need you when I need you. I make all the decisions. All this wife and family and baby talk was a ruse.
I only told you those things so I could just continue to have sex with you.
I would have respected him more for the truth.
My inner voice hissed: Stupid, stupid, stupid woman.
It hits me. This is a Judas I have linked myself up to. He is a cheap coward.
I am not use to this concept of being cruel. I don’t like it. This is not a person I want to be. These thoughts of hating him are not what I want either. They are stones I throw back. I am wounded and so very hurt. I am, after all, human.
This is the moment that I carefully collect up all that shattered glass from my heartbreak. I put the shards in a shoe box. I shove it far back under my bed.
(You all know that I have this odd habit of storing things so I can look at them later).
Over those weeks I make myself get out of bed. I make myself go out and meet people. I make myself stop crying. I make myself focus on my work. I try not to sleep too much. I try to appear happy to the girls.
They hear me crying myself to sleep at night.
Then I met Amy. I start to write. I decide that I am going to create something. I work on my house and yard. I go on trips. My house takes on some beauty. I have friends that stop bye to see me. Even the neighbor comes over for a coffee and to sit with us for our lunch in the front yard. I decide that I want to offer something lovely to this world.
I haven’t cried in months. I feel myself getting well.
I like this person. The one who decides to take all of her hurt and try to turn it into something beautiful, sweet, tragic, honest and good.
Over the past few weeks I think maybe, just maybe it could be possible, that I might even be able to fall in love again….
************************
And there it is. A white line in my in box. There it sits holding his name.
************************
I suck in my breath. (It’s like hearing my childhood sweetheart’s name called out from that distant swing set).
I make a pact with myself.
I will read it. I will not answer it. (In the past I would have responded in seconds).
My apparent non answer must have irritated this man who is always in control and gets what he wants.
On Tuesday a white envelope is delivered to my office. It contains that familiar left hand scrawl.
I know this card is from a person who, in his 80 hour work week, rarely ever takes the effort to go to any store to buy any type of card.
This is from a man who professed his love but yet forgot my birthday.
I question the motivation for this contact.
But it goes deeper. The card is to my oldest for her graduation.
When I tell Amy about this she takes on her angry tone. In her matter- of -fact- no- nonsense voice she tells me exactly what it is.
(This is why I adore her. She does not spare me her harsh truths)
On the flip side my associate points out, “Jodi, sometimes a card is just a card.â€
O.K. but I know that this is from a man whose actions are planned, deliberate, and calculated.
You reader, tell me, why did he send a card?
I look at that scrawl. I don’t like that it came to my office. I don’t like that it sits on my paralegal’s desk. I don’t like that it is sent to my child.
I have no right not to give it to her. It is her mail.
He just intruded in on my tranquility. The pond water was a glassy mirror. I was doing great. He just threw a tiny pebble into the middle of it.
Over the last week I say nothing to him about any card. I know he will wonder. True to form I receive another e-mail.
I am not a rude person by nature but I don’t want to lead us into any more dialogue.
I go home and crawl under my bed. I take the top off of the shoe box. I see the sharp broken pieces I collected up over a year ago. I don’t dare touch them. I don’t have any desire to get cut again.
The evidence is sitting on my office desk. A card from him is not just a card.
Or is it?
My inner voice whispers: He misses you. He misses everything about you. He misses your e-mails. He misses your questions. He misses your wit and exquisite sense of humor. He misses that when you walk into a room everyone asks how he caught you. He misses that when you go into a bar you get him free drinks. He misses your kisses. He misses your fingers running through his hair. He misses your friendship. He misses you naked in his bathtub. He misses your homemade dinners. He misses going to the movies. He misses your dining out and those thousands and thousands of dinner conversations. He misses your smile and eyes and laugh and……………..
I close the lid on my shoe box. I am taking it out to the corner curb trash.
I am 19 again. It’s Ted and I in that corner booth just down the street from my office. This gorgeous witty boy (who I was crazy about) confesses that he really screwed up. That he wants me back. Debbie was not the right choice. That he is so very very sorry. He misses me terribly. That he was young and stupid. He was trying to explain it to me. It’s like having two really fast cars. One of us was a Porsche. One of us was a Ferrari.
How could a stupid boy decide?
This is the part where my younger self stops crying. I have been reduced to a type of car. I go to that front restaurant pay phone.
I call my best friend Jen. She is coming to get me. She will be right there to take me home.
I love Michigan in summer.
It is so empowering.
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about 11 years ago
Return the envelope and drop kick him out of your life.
You’re better than that.
-SM
about 11 years ago
I agree with Sandman.
Like I keep telling you, these cuts may not be deliberate on his part. He may have just woken up one day and known that as much as he wanted to be the marrying kind he just isn’t. Maybe he’s just as confused as the rest of us and doing the best he can. It doesn’t really matter if it’s deliberate or not. It’s a recurring pattern. You waste too much energy on someone who doesn’t give enough back. And every time it’s like you pick up the knife and cut yourself, because you keep standing in front of him. Don’t forget how much control you have over the situation.
about 11 years ago
After the crazy making of not getting on the airplane I really knew something was not right. I started researching and found a website on Narcissists. It was hard because some things fit and others did not (most did). Dealing with personalities all the time and failing relationships and reading/reviewing psychologicals I know there is something to this. In addition, he would contradict and there were patterns. Time uncovers this. In the end I asked him if he was a narcissist and gave him website information.
There is a lot more to this story. I am working on it in chunks. Writing has been wonderful for me.
The website you gave me is wonderful. I copied parts of it:
The only way to break free from a Narcissist is to establish and maintain a rule of NO CONTACT. We must treat the Narcissist as if we are breaking a toxic drug habit. A Narcissist programs you to question yourself….question everything you do, in fact. This is his goal from the very beginning. He knows if he can cause you to doubt yourself, you will become dependent on him for validation and keep coming back to him.
It is critical that you understand you will never get over a Narcissist if you remain in contact with him. You CAN and WILL deprogram from him, but ONLY if you establish NO CONTACT. You must cut off all contact with him in order to break free.
about 11 years ago
dropkick…
about 11 years ago
I
about 11 years ago
Sometimes when I read your blogs it hurts me to see how much you are hurting. It is hard to be led by someone who you think cares for you just to find out later that they were only taking you along for the ride. I know that feeling very well and I know how much it hurts.
Yes, it hurts and it obviously shows how much you are hurting. There are many people in this world that will use others; I guess it is the nature of a human being. But then there are others who really care. They care because they went through betrayal and they do not want to have to go through the pain again.
They hurt because they remained faithful to their former spouse for over 28 years and all they got in return was betrayal. So the remain cautious so that they don’t get hurt anymore.
When they have feelings towards someone else and they find out that the other person does not feel the same about them, they too hurt and feel used as you have.
This jerk did not care for you. Perhaps he misses being with you in the sack but he does not care for you or your daughter. Sometimes we look at the tree and we miss the beautiful forest. We miss those who really care for us. Maybe they are just not good enough for us. Maybe we just want them as friends. I think you need to figure out what you really want so that you are not hurt anymore, I know I will now.
Perhaps a person who truly cares is the one who drives around for thirty minutes to find quarters to put in the meter where you had to park your car to go to court. Maybe he really cares for you. But maybe he is only good enough to be just a friend!
about 11 years ago
What I really want is this: I would like you as my friend. I have my friendship to give back to you. I would never want to hurt anyone. That is not me nor my spirit and I know you know this. But I have to be true to myself. Right now I like being single and am learning how to be just that. I like working my jobs. I like writing and I want to finish my books. I have the girls to focus on. A gift is not a gift if it contains strings. Do not discount what you have to offer but you cannot guilt someone into giving what they cannot emotionally give back. To me honesty is the most valuable trait. If you tell a lie you steal a person’s right to the truth. I want to be able to look at myself in a mirror and be proud of what reflects back. I am not perfect but am trying to figure myself out. I try to tell the truth.
I think you need to write your story and get your pain out. Write it. It will make you feel better.
about 11 years ago
Life is crule and nice guys finish last.
about 11 years ago
“Pruning rose bushes is intimidating to many gardeners, but actually very good for the plants. Becoming an accomplished rose pruner takes time and practice, but keep in mind that it is very hard to kill a rose with bad pruning. While there is a great deal of disagreement among rose experts regarding how and when to prune roses, it is generally agreed that most mistakes will grow out very quickly and it is better to make a good effort at pruning roses than to let them grow rampant.
Why Prune Roses
Encourage new growth and bloom
Remove dead wood
Shape the plant”
You are a rose. He is dead wood.
xx
about 11 years ago
Jody,
You encouraged me to write about my feelings so I will. What do women want and what do we all want? Well I thought I knew what women wanted but boy was I wrong! I met my ex-wife in 1983 while attending college. We fell in love and after a year got married. With every day my love for her grew. I wanted to marry a woman that was as faithful to me as my mom was to my dad. Her parents had been together for some 30 years and mine had been together for 25 when we got married, so I though our marriage would last until the day we died. I guess that is the reason for marriage vows?
Because of my upbringing I always wanted to take care of my family so I always provided for my wife and children. I always gave her the new car, and put money away for my kid’s college. My daughter graduated from college with no debt and I am doing the same for my son. I kept my cars for 10 years or more so that I could put away money for their college tuition.
I worked hard and encouraged my ex-wife to get her masters and then doctorate. This, for a girl who had less than a 2.0 GPA in college because she had to work full time to pay for her school. I was there for her when she felt unloved and could not find a job even with a master’s degree.
I traveled overseas and held important positions and because it was customary my overseas clients would bring me women as a sign of their appreciation, but I would always turn them down because I loved my wife. I had taken an oath with God to love and honor her and never to betray her. I had promised to God that I would take care of my children and protect them. I thought this is what most women wanted. A sensitive, caring, loving, man who would provide for his family and love his wife.
Boy was I a fool! Women say that this is what they want but in reality it is all a farce! They want a sensitive man, a caring man, a loving man, a godly man who is there to provide for her but they also want a bad boy, someone who treats them like trash, one who can give them adventure and sex outside their marriage. The good husband is boring and not enough so they want to experience being bad.
Men are pigs too. Perhaps they cheat because they are scared of being betrayed first, but they cheat because they do not have god in their life. If they did they would never commit adultery. They want to use before they are used. I know many men and women who are the same way.
Although I loved my wife and provided for her, after her father passed away she changed and cheated on me, something that she finally admitted to me after our divorce. I then met this incredible lady. One who had been hurt before and whose husband had abused her. One who knew how much it hurt to be betrayed, used, and tossed away like trash. One who could feel the pain I felt, or at least I thought she did.
I started dating this amazing lady, who very much like you, had to juggle work, kids, home, and life. She did not have much money but I was not interested in her for money. At time she thought she was not beautiful but to me she was someone that God had spent a lot of time perfecting. I loved her beautiful eyes and her red hair. I loved the fact that she looked so beautiful without any makeup. I loved looking into her eyes and how her left eye was more relaxed than the right one. I thought she cared for me because of our conversations but I was wrong, because our feelings were not mutual.
My former wife came back to me four times and because I had loved her so much I tried four times to restore my marriage but each time she wanted to go back to being independent. She wanted the bad boys; she wanted to experience life and the unknown. The love of the sin was greater than the safe love of a husband. She abandoned her family for her flesh. My son now lives with me and my daughter has her own life. My ex goes from one dating web site to another and seems to date men as often as she changes her under ware.
Last summer she came back to me for the final time because she found out I was seeing this incredible lady, but it was already too late. I had feelings for this special person and my ex had betrayed me too many times. It is funny how as a man (usually pigs) I had remained faithful to her for 28 years, even until today three years after our divorce! Maybe I am stupid or maybe I have higher value? I guess it depends on one’s view and belief. If you base my value on God’s then I have high values and if you believe about the things of this world then I am truly a fool.
I terminated my relationship with my former wife because I really cared for this lady. But just as it seems to be the ways of this world, I found out that she was in love with someone else. I hope I was not just a toy she could play with and toss away when she was done. I know what you may think here, is he gay? No I just happen to be a nice guy, and of course we all know what happens to nice guys, they get run over!
Well I have learned my lesson. I will not trust again. I will close my heart, and protect it. I will follow my god and wait on him. In Jeremiah 29-11 says “ For I know the plans I have for you,†declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.†Perhaps in his kingdom I will not be valued as a righteous man.
I will miss talking to her to see how her day was and how I could comfort her. I wanted a relationship with her and unlike other men, I was willing to wait and not force her to have sex or even kiss until she was ready. I believe that if you care for someone you treat them right.
As for you Jody, I hope you choose to wait for someone who will care for you. Someone who will be there for you and will go to Chicago with you. Someone who has a place on his shoulder for you and who will hold and protect you. Someone who will not abandon you like that jerk did, or like your ex-husband. You need to recognize when a good man like that comes along but be careful to keep your eyes open, for in a flash he could be gone and you will miss the best ride of your life.
From your writings I see how much you are hurting and how much you are afraid of being controlled. Right now you want to do what pleases you. You want to be free. You see any relationship as suffocating, but I think perhaps there is someone out there for you who will really care for you and who will love you as you should be loved. Someone who believes in the meaning of love as stated in the bible. Perhaps you will see what true love should be like. I will leave you with this verse and wish you the best.
I hope you find what you are searching for.
The inventor
If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
about 11 years ago
You knew my heart was broken. You were and are my friend. Friendship is what I have to give to you. I told you that. I hid nothing from you. My heart is still mending. I am figuring myself out. Yes, I fear control. Yes, I fear strings. Yes, I fear conditions on friendship. Time with friends is not wasted time.
You say that you will close your heart and will not trust — but love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love also forgives.
But it really boils down to this:
You reject my friendship because I do not have romantic feelings toward you. Yet you are saying I am tossing you away?
I want to take scissors to your strings (I don’t think you even see them)
And for the record: No man has the right to force kisses.
about 11 years ago
Well I guess the cat is out of the bag. So now we all know that you were that very special lady. I really cared for you but you also knew that I always respected your wishes. I never forced you to kiss me and even when you felt uncomfortable I was okay with you going home.
I do not think I ever forced myself on you but instead I always wanted to be there to lift you up. If I did, I hope you will forgive me. When you did not have confidence in yourself I would support you. I still hurt when you sometimes put yourself down by writing something negative about yourself.
To me you are amazing lady who cares for her daughters and loves them. She never abandons them for her own selfish flesh as my ex-wide did. She always wants to protect her kids and even takes a second job to take care of her obligations. What can you call this woman except amazing? To me you are an exceptional lady so which man in his right mind would not like to be involved in your life?
I told you I am man who believes in loyalty. A man who is faithful to his God and to the ones he loves. A man who does not want to make the same mistakes he made in life. I learned than no one belongs to anyone but that we all belong to God.
I did not know you had feelings for someone else for if I did I would never have interfered between you.
You are there and I am over 1200 miles away. I wish I was closer so that you could get to know me better. My feelings for you were real but it seems that I felt differently towards you than you did towards me.
I wanted to be there to help you with your book. I wanted to be there for you when you felt down or needed encouragement. I never wanted to hurt you so I never pushed you to do anything. I just wanted to be there for you.
Yes I have to close my heart for a while. My ex-wife broke it so many times that it is shattered. It will take a long time for it heal. It is all torn apart and it can no longer take another hit.
Bible says, Protect your heart for it is a spring of life”.
What is a use of a forced kiss when it does not mean anything?
Although I will very much miss talking to you, I am no good to you as a friend right now. I need time to see what God has planned for me. I am like a boat with an anchor that does not reach the ground. If you are with me then you may drown and I don’t want that. I want you to be happy so that you will always keep that beautiful smile.
I will continue to read your blogs to see how you are doing. I will never be able to forget you. I want you to know that you will always have a very special place in my heart.
Thank you for having been a part of my life.
The inventor
about 11 years ago
I think Inventor needs his own blog.
Inventor is classic – shifting blame – “the good husband is boring and not enough so they want to experience being bad”
Really. A good boring husband. Let me break it down for you – what I read in this blog is you
gave your wife the world – when she had a 2.0 and was unloved and couldn’t even get a job with a Master’s degree. You gave her nice cars and provided. You did everything a man could do for his wife. But not once did I hear you treated her as your equal. It was all about you. What YOU did – what YOU provided. Yeah – that would make me feel worthwhile…
Perhaps what she wanted was to be equal.
Matthew Kelly is a fantastic author and one of the things he writes is about being the best person you can be. Wake up everyday and try to be the best person you can be for you. He doesn’t say – for your kids, your wife, your girlfriend…he says for you. Why? Because when you focus on being the best person you can be for YOU – you will automatically be the best person for everyone.
You both might want to give it a try…
about 11 years ago
Forest Gump’s Gal,
Maybe you are right? Maybe I am selfish.
Thanks,
Inventor
about 11 years ago
Nice!