Parts of this day were wonderful.  The other pieces didn’t fit.  I found myself, at moments, alone.  I was fighting becoming depressed. 

It is amazing what a phone call or text from a friend can do.

I need to remind myself that is how life can be.  I like to think that someone is really looking out for me in this universe.  That some sort of string is linking me to some sort of positive energy.

But like always I have my doubts.  I always have these doubts.

I don’t know why I get stuck.  Part of my problem is that I get frustrated that things are not happening fast enough for me.  I need to remind myself that I am not on a time line.  I struggle with this.  I have a lot I want to accomplish with my work, my house, personal projects, my books and other things I want to do and learn. 

I really want to know if anyone else has this problem. I don’t feel that anyone else shares their imperfections with me.  It would help if others confessed or if I knew others felt the way I do.  I don’t like feeling that I am so alone.

I have also alienated some people.  I know I am doing it.  I am conscious of it.   They want parts of me I cannot give.  Conditions are placed.  I pull back.  I crawl back into my bed and pull the covers over my head.  A dissolving of sorts.  So I guess I actively choose to be alone.  Then rebel against it. 

This is just all so very screwed up.   

I could take an easier road (but we all know that this might not really be easier).  I choose not too.  I could link myself to men who have voiced that someday they want to take care of me.  I could move in with a so-and-so.  They push.  I pull away.  Maybe as I get older there will be no more offers.  This is a true possibility (they remind me of this).  They want to move so swift and fast.  I think a lesser, lazier, more insecure woman would take up these offers.  I am true to myself because I am a horrible actress.  They appear to want me.  I don’t yet want them.   Then I am sure if I changed my mind it would be the reverse.  It’s that crazy circular cycle.

The why’s and why not’s crop up.  I am tried of thinking about them. 

So I choose to be alone.  But I really don’t want to be alone.

My solution to my oneness is to work a second job.  I would work a third or fourth job if I had to.  I don’t understand why I have to explain it. 

I just crave for someone to understand it.

Today my focus was to spend what remaining moments I had with my middle child.  She is my Sarah.  She is an amazing person.  We talked and had real conversation.  We went out to dinner together.  I learned things I didn’t know about her.  Before I knew it our time together was gone.  She was off and running to work.  I am now on her time line.  Then I was left alone at home.  The other girls all off in different directions.  They all will be gone for the next several weeks.

I have never spent 4th of July home alone.  Maybe this was what I was supposed to experience:  A void, solace and distance.

I didn’t like any of it. 

Amy calls.  I am invited to a happy home full of fireworks and fireflies.  Children are in the back yard.  It is full of marshmallows, chocolate, wine and beer.  There is laughter and genuine like.  These people care about me.  I don’t have to give anything back.  I feel they enjoy me for me.  This feeling is mutual.  I don’t have to explain anything.  They just understand.

When I drive home the fireworks are all going off downtown G.R.  The expressway gives me the best seat in the house.  My review mirror captures it all. 

I know I am headed home to an empty house.  The pieces don’t fit.  It is too late for anymore texts or phone calls.

I tell myself that I just have to learn how to weather these voids.