The Sandwich
In the past couple of weeks I have gone out on a few dates with the same guy.  He is younger than me, and he is really NICE.  None of this is normal for me.  I usually cancel first dates before I go on them, and if I really feel like that isn’t an option I go with no intention of having a second.  I do feel like a jerk about it, but even though I keep trying to take that step and starting dating again, it never feels right.
But this guy is someone I know.  And the first time wasn’t really a date, it was just drinks between co-workers.  Officially.  Unofficially, it may have been the successful result of a half-baked scheme to get him out for drinks so I could see if he was more than just a nice guy to chat with at work – without the pressure of it actually being a “date.† Mostly, things have been going well.  I enjoy his company and want to get to know him better.  But I have still had some reservations.
The drinks went well. Â So we went out again. Â And again. Â And then we went out for drinks with his friends, who were also young and nice. Â They were also funny in much the same way my friends are funny. Â Watching him with his friends, and listening to their jokes – both inside and spur of the moment, I saw a different side of him. Â It made me more comfortable.
See, it isn’t that I object to dating a nice guy.  It’s that I don’t want to feel guilty about dating a nice guy and damaging him in some way.  I’m confused about where I’m going in life.  I don’t want to drag someone into my indecision.  The reason I date guys who are not “nice†is that they become somewhat disposable.  If they continue to treat me badly, I will drop them the minute my life becomes stressful.  It’s justifiable, because I didn’t need to put up with them in the first place.  But they’re fun and I like sex, which is why I hang out with them and another reason I avoid nice guys.  Nice guys deserve to be treated like people, not just sex objects.
I know that I am not responsible every time someone I date gets hurt, and no one goes into a relationship assuming it’s going to be nothing but sunshine and roses.  But I don’t think I should get overly involved with someone who is looking for something I know I’m not going to give him.  And I just haven’t been sure that I’m ready for a real relationship with a nice guy.
Our dates have had me thinking, though. Â He is respectful in all the right ways, and the side of him I saw with his friends has me thinking that he also might be disrespectful in all the right ways, or at least open to exploring the idea. Â Bow chicka wow wow….
And last night he outdid himself.  Like I said, we work together.  Last night we had a special event at work that was insane.  People. Lines. Chaos. Frantic. The night was a jumble.  And I saw him after about 6 hours and asked if there was any food left for the employees.  I was starving by then, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up if it was going to take another hour or two to find food.  He assured me, however, that there was indeed food left.  I went to run a final errand, and just as I completed it and turned he approached me and handed me a sandwich.  He said it was the last one, so he had grabbed it for me.
To be honest, my heart melted. Â We had been working in tandem all night, and it had been going very well. Â He was always there when I needed him. Â But that was work. Â We kind of needed to work together just to pull off the event.
This was different. Â He went out of his way to come find me in the back of the building at the end of a really long shift when he had to be tired and sore and could have just waited upstairs for me.
Instead we grabbed a few quiet minutes in a back room while we chatted about the night and I tore into the best. sub. ever.
In simple terms, I liked talking to him over a sandwich at the end of a hard day.
And as I stood there watching him I knew that I was open to seeing where this goes.  He’s a nice man.  Maybe he will understand that I am at a crossroads right now and not judge me too harshly for decisions I have yet to make.  Maybe it won’t go much further than it has.  But maybe it will.  The only things that have stopped me so far are my own hesitations and hang ups.  My own concerns that are based on nothing but generalizations.
And maybe the fact that he’s nice doesn’t mean he isn’t already as much of a closet freak as I am….
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about 12 years ago
I don’t know if I should address this to you or to all of us. It seems we are all searching to find the answer to life’s meaning. We struggle with what is right or wrong, what or who makes us happy, who we want to be with, what career we want, how much sex to have, and what we consider as success in life. We depend on our families for support, on our careers to grow financially, to house to build a home, and finally retire and hopefully die in peace, or for most men, and some women, while having sex.
Well I guess I should have brushed up on my history lessons and learned from Solomon that none of these mattered. Neither money, nor my wife, nor my possessions, nor any material thing ever brought me happiness. We rely on others in life to make us happy and look for material possessions to satisfy our needs and justify our behaviors.
Unfortunately I found out the hard way that just about everything and everyone I relied on was taken away from me. I lost my marriage, my home, my job, and lots of money. I was lost and during my time of need finally turned to one who never abandoned me. I turned to the one who has always been and will always be there during the most difficult times of my life. To the one who has loved me unconditionally and will continue to do so no matter my actions or sins.
Just when I was about to take my own life because the woman I had loved was leaving me after 25 years, he came to save my life. I had not known him but it was because of his grace that I was saved. Yes I was saved by Christ and neither he nor I will ever let go of each other. You can call me whatever you want even a Jesus freak and that is okay because I do not care if I am judged by man, but only that I am judge by God.
Perhaps when we feel so lonely after having had sex with so many partners, or sit in our room and wonder if anyone out there loves us, we should look not to another person for answers, but to the Lord for help. I was truly lost but he showed me the way. He closed every door on me, took away all things that I thought were important including my family, and finally the only other woman whom I had feelings for, just so that I could see that he was the only one whom I needed.
So if you are lonely when your kids are gone and wonder if anyone in this universe cares for you and if you are lonely after having slept with so many men that you cannot even keep track of them, then perhaps you should be relying on someone who loves you no matter who you are or what you have done.
Amy from reading your blogs, I see that you love sex and being with men, but I also see that you often feel lonely afterwards. I do not know you very well but perhaps you have been hurt so much in the past that you are afraid of being betrayed again. Perhaps you want to love them and leave them before they can hurt you? Only you know if this is the case, so please forgive me if I am off base.
Perhaps this guy deserves your respect. I think you like him deep down but you do not want to get hurt again if you open up to him. I think that somewhere in your heart this act of saving a sandwich for you has deeper meaning! Perhaps his Character and this act have a deeper meaning than just saving a sandwich for you.
You wrote “To be honest, my heart meltedâ€, “He was always there when I needed himâ€,
“He went out of his way to come find meâ€, “Maybe he will understand that I am at a crossroads right now and not judge me too harshly for decisions I have yet to make.â€
Perhaps what you felt is what we all feel sometimes. For me it was someone much greater than I whom showed me that I was loved. He was always there for me when I needed him. He went out of his way to come and find me and he understood that I was at a crossroads and he never judged me but instead loved me. He saved me with his grace.
I hope that you find his love someday. Please do not judge me for having written this but if you do that is okay as it seems I am being judged by everyone else. It is easier for us to conform to the ways of this world than to live by God’s standards.
As for Character, the only man I know that had a perfect character died some 2000 years ago. But there are still men with good characters. There are still men who have high values. Ones who do not want relationships based on sex but want to get to know a person, care for, and accept them as they are. Ones who seek the beauty that is inside. Ones who put God first rather than the things of this world, and want to establish a relationship based on God.
Recently I gave a bible to the person I cared for greatly. I pray that she reads this book and learns from what it has to teach. I hope she bases her life on the teachings of Proverbs. I hope she can see that God really loves her unconditionally and that he will never leave her when she feels all alone in this universe. I hope she reads it and finds out that her happiness does not depend on another man, money, family, or other material things of this world. I pray that someday she finds the true love that she deserves.
Perhaps she finds someone worth keeping. Someone who has a character; someone who may save her a sandwich not because he wants something in return but because he truly cares; or perhaps someone who puts money in a parking meter just because he cares.
The inventor
P.S. Please forgive me. I have never been a good writer.
about 12 years ago
Inventor,
We are human animals. And I think Amy is prepared to accept the consequences that come naturally with that.
I think that Amy write specifically about finding happiness from and of herself. Not in others, or from others, or things.
“There are 19 major world religions which are subdivided into a total of 270 large religious groups, and many smaller ones. 34,000 separate Christian groups have been identified in the world.” – http://www.religioustolerance.org
I’m truly happy that you have found a religion to be comforting to you in your time of need and that it continues to help you keep your compass on happy. But fathom, just for a moment, that continually judging the actions of others through the lens of religion and spelling out that view can be perceived as arrogant and insulting.
You are assuming you are right about everything. That there is black and there is white. You leave no room for grey. Your condemning everyone who sees life differently to “eternal pain and suffering” in hell. But not yourself, you just got lucky. It doesn’t make sense and it’s hurtful to others. You aren’t offering advice to Amy, you are telling her she is sinful and needs to find God, not just any God, your God.
I find your comments bleeding of your own loneliness, and your own desperation for acceptance from these women, mostly Jodi. Maybe you should spend your time reaching out to people with a new lens. One that allows you to see them without any pretense of you knowing right from wrong above them. A clean lens made from the search for understanding instead of definition.
GE
about 12 years ago
First of all, I don’t like to discuss religion because it is deeply personal. Suffice it to say, I disagree with you, Inventor.
Second, I have not slept with so many men that I can’t keep track of them. But even if I someday get to that point, it doesn’t actually matter. It is my life and my body. I honor my life the way I choose. I make my choices for the reasons that are important to me, and desperation / hopelessness / blind faith / etc. are not my motivation.
Third, I am not reacting from a place of pain. I am figuring out my path and going slowly. I have made my decisions. The hurts I have had have shaped me, but I feel that I view them from an appropriate perspective. I can take them into account without reacting reflexively. Life is about learning from the past, not being dictated by it.
I do not like the way you comment on my postings. You are Jodi’s friend and you are welcome to comment on hers. I do not care for judgmental people who are not open to new perspectives. Although you may post on my page because it is public, I will not read your comments anymore. I wish you well on your journey, but I don’t think either of us will gain from any exchange we may have.