jarek

I am a forty-two year old gay man whose life has been one of satisfaction and sorrow.  Easy would not be a word that I would choose to describe my journey, but then again whose journey is easy?  I really don’t care to rehash the long past, so I will start with the present.  I am at a low point in my personal life at the present time, but I am trying to move forward with the hope of filling this empty cup of mine.

After many years of struggle to find what really brings me satisfaction, I have come to the conclusion that I am a stronger, happier, and healthier person when I am in an intimate relationship.  The dynamics of that intimate relationship include physical affection, meaningful communication, mutual respect, and trust.  Recently, however, my relationship with a man I thought was becoming my life partner ended quite suddenly.  He was simply headed down a path he was not ready to go.  And as much as his decision was not one I expected or hoped for, I was able to remember what brought us together in the first place – our intimate friendship.  And so that is what I concentrate on, renewing that friendship and letting go of the possibility of a lifetime partnership.

I currently find myself standing on a steep slope in a picturesque valley.  I see the beauty around me, but I do not seem to be participating in that beauty.  It is this feeling of emptiness and loneliness that has caused me to want to share my thoughts, my hopes, and my desire to seek out a way to inner peace.

Recently I have been thinking (often well into the night) about what it is that is missing now that I am no longer in a relationship.  Clearly the thing I miss most are the nights spent wrapped in my lover’s arms.  It was in that nightly embrace that I felt safe and secure.  That security is now gone, and so frankly is my ability to sleep.  That physical touch and affection with the person I was most secure is such an important ingredient for the wellbeing of my soul.  The desire to have that again is incredibly strong.  Yes it’s true that I could run out and find someone to satisfy me physically, but I would not experience the safety and security that I so desire.  As a result, I have chosen to “lay low” and look for new friends and hobbies that will help ease the loneliness I feel.

So how does one try to find contentment until that security and affection return?  I don’t know; this is the question I am trying to answer.  I have found myself lying in bed each evening, sometimes just thinking and other times writing in my journal.  I realized that after six weeks of doing this, however, I was not feeling much better.  I love writing, but I found myself writing the same thing over and over again.  That is not progress.

What has made this change so difficult for me is that I had to give up one of my passions.  It was the only way to ensure that the man I love and consider to be my best friend would be comfortable in his own place of employment.  In letting go of my passion, I also had to let go of people who I considered my friends.  I think that losing some mutual friends is one of the unavoidable tragedies that accompany the dissolution of a partnership.  I expected that I would have received much more support from those mutual friends, but frankly, only one of them has attempted to console me regularly.  I appreciate her as she has been persistent, but I also know that she can only do so much as she is too close to the situation.

It is not that I wanted to talk to mutual friends about the circumstances surrounding the ending of my relationship; rather, I wanted to know that these people would be willing to continually reach out to me and be there when I needed them.  What I found was that only two people reached out to me beyond the first week following the ending of my relationship.  Where did they all go?  What must have they been thinking?  I am sure I am partially at fault for this, as I would not share with them what happened in the relationship.  You see, I couldn’t.  If I did, word could accidentally get out to the community and my former partner could have lost his livelihood.  Furthermore I know that if this loss is difficult for me, then it may be difficult for our mutual friends as well.  Since these are mutual friends, I have also had to remember that anything I say to them may get repeated and perhaps not how I said it or how I meant it to be received.  This can really botch up any headway I’ve made in terms of establishing a close friendship with my ex.  In the past I have learned that often in misguided attempts to assure me that they are on my side, these mutual friends are likely to take a shot or two at my ex.  I do not want this to happen as his decision to leave me was hard enough for him, and this would only make matters worse.  As a result, I have chosen to remain silent with our mutual friends.  I believe this is the best possible choice.  I have chosen to share my fears, my uncertainty, and my sadness with a clergyman and a couple of acquaintances of mine who do not know my ex.  This has been helpful.  Again, the loneliness has not gone away; but I have been able to accept the fact that my partnership is over and that I must now concentrate on healing this sense of loss and renewing my sense of friendship.  It is only the beginning of a difficult journey.