I can’t see my vagina.  I haven’t been able to see it in the past couple of years.  When I try to bend over, it becomes quite difficult to breath because all of my fat condenses in the middle and crushes my lungs.  I can see as far as the top of my pubic hair, and that’s about it, which makes shaving quite difficult.  Basically, I shave myself blind since, I am unable to see what I’m doing.  Sometimes, I rock the mullet.  You know, short in the front, long in the back, or my more favorite phrase concerning mullets, “Business in the front, Party in the back.”  As a matter of fact, I think that’s how I will refer to my vagina and anus from now on, or Pinky and The Brain for short.  But most of the time I rock the bald patchy chemo patient look.

Here’s the thing about grooming yourself in your most southern regions.  It’s a real pain in the ass.  The first day feels fantastic.  It’s nice and smooth, and you think,”This is how it should always feel”, but the next day those silly, pink razor bumps which looks like your vagina caught the Pox, looks and feels unattractive.  Then it starts to itch like your vagina really did catch the Pox.  Oh, and that large sensitive bump that suddenly pops up in what you think is something you contracted from wearing the same underwear two days in a row, is just an in-grown hair.  But, no worries.  It will eventually go away.  After about a week, it’s time to rinse and repeat, and there my friends is the never ending story.

I’m at a point in my life that I’m over the proper grooming phase to my lady parts.  It’s just stuff you see in pornagraphic movies or on Barbie.  I am neither of such characters, and I prefer to sport the look of hunting season, including the plaid flannels.  My attitude towards the hygiene of my Kamalaya is taking a toll on my black husband.  He’s sick of it…… and I don’t care.

I have forgotten so much of what my chubby muffin looks like that I finally took a picture of it ,and sent it to my girlfriend one evening.  Then took a picture of her reaction when she received the image.  This was her reaction:

Some people are proud


I must say, I was taken aback but such a candid reflection.  To my surprise, she was giddy and receptive.  I realized then, I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am.  So what of it, if my vag looks like an Iranian nation?!  So what of it, if it looks like a bag of play dough covered in cat fur?  So what of it, if my  vagina looks like it belongs in a taxidermist’s museum?  So what of it?  So what?!!!

I am fat with a fat, hairy vagina, and I don’t care what people think, especially my black husband!!

With that I will leave you all….at least for tonight, the words of Angeles Arrien:

“My grandmother told me, “Never hide your green hair —They can see it anyway.”